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Today driving home from Brienne’s house for the first time since last year I noticed how all the feelings that I used to get had expired. Seeing Brienne be greeted by her family, and seeing her excitement was like seeing the reflection of myself a year ago. I recall being super excited about returning home. There was always the train trips where for 4-5 hours all I did was think of home. There was the family greeting and dinner where we catched on odd pieces of conversation and happenings. And finally there was seeing Brienne. None of these things are quite the same this year.

To return home is like never finished a major chord. It begs to be concluded, but I always leave before it even has a chance to strike the final tone. I feel like an alian in this city. I have so many memories while driving up and down the local roads, but all seem to far and distant to reinvigorate any feeling in coming home. And there are so many memories too, a shame they all go to waste.

Home will never be the same as it was. Perhaps this is a transition we all make because let’s be honest, coming home once a month to your parents house is not something most adults do. The more interesting thing however is: should I be feeling this transition, or is there something going wrong with how I choose to live my life?

This morning I woke up with the memory of the first big discussion about what was appropriate and what was not. Holding hands seems like the most trivial thing in the world, but not for us. This was the discussion:
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Just as a foot note: I went to NY this morning and got a coat which I have been in love with for the past 3 weeks. Ok With that out of the way. Tonight I had one of those “I need to do something so let’s start at the top of the list” things going. First Kevin wanted a ride to Sponge Bob (wouldn’t have minded if it had been a different movie). Then Brienne, well, she just sucks because she’s in High School (this theme comes back later on). So, I opted to the last resort, Jon.

So we drive around pick up Sean and Moly (who is a sophomore) and we decide to go Bowling. Getting there, we see that the place is packed we start a small fight in the parking lot because Ian, Sean, Moly and I want to see a movie and eat while Jon, Tom and Nathan rather play bowling. So after many weird things, I decide to put the pedal to the metal and get out of the parking lot, and head just a bit ahead to a deserted shopping mall. There I drive in literal circles (yes, with the steering wheel turned all the way) just to see what happens. But after much fighting we head to Jon’s house and make fun of a Godzila movie and later decide to play SNES, which Ian is just the god of.

Oh, during our stay at Jon’s house while walking around his kitchen Tom stumbles on two porn magazines, and let me tell you porn is just too funny when Tom is making commentaries about it. What felt worse was that a Sophomore girl was with us all alone in a house with 6 college guys.

After the movie and gaming, that ended around 1am, I had to drive a few people back who happen to live in Titusville. By this time I’m just in an odd mood, so after dropping them off I decided to take a ride. I stopped at the river when going to New Hope to think. It was wet, but nice. And than I embarked on a long ride home.
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Home, is, interesting. We have so much stuff that now it doesn’t fit in our new, smaller, house. My ‘room’ is piled with boxes much like all the other rooms of the house. There are bookshelves everywhere you look (including staircases). My room is larger than my old one which a kind of plus. But the house it self just is different. I feel like I’m in a hotel or a very good friend’s house. Oh well, that’s life.

Last night was tasty. I feel like I haven’t been to this town in ages, Ice cream is good (and so cheap too). It felt like it was the first time going out, which is far from true now. Can’t wait for next time in 6 weeks. Than I went out to Princeton (late 9ish) to walk around and drink a cup of tea. I love the city much like some love their house (Princeton is my house).

One year ago on this day, a funny little person named Raechel approached me as I walked to English class (from Music Theory) asking if I could roller skate. I completely ignored her for the entire week that she kept asking me about it, until one year ago on this day Jon explained to me what was ‘going down’. That was fun for while it lasted, and specially fun for what followed. I just thought I would put this out there, no real meaning, just a little fact. It seems like ages ago honestly.

Nothing too interesting has happened, except my loss of focus to due to someone. At first it didn’t bother me, I actually didn’t even stop to think, but as I started missing things I started to notice how interesting life got (not talking about academic life). So for most of this week I was completely useless, all I could think was nothing, my brain was overtaken by my unconscious, needless to say I did some very embarrassing things this week. What sucks is that I managed to get piled with work, this weekend I have 3 tests to study for and 3 really hard assignments.

Not to mention that I need to start working on both my projects, people will start asking to see my progress so I should get on that.

Four hours in a train can be very insightful. Looking at the trees past by makes life seem like it’s slowing down allowing you to analyze every bit of it. So I realized how much of a fault a fault I had in all of this (but some I still like to think wasn’t me). We dealt with it, and now we can continue with our marry lives, which this weekend despite everything – only got better. I don’t know how to explain it, or how to describe it, or how it. . . I’m baffled just like a little child who sees snow for the first time. I don’t think I’ll have a problem keeping my mind busy for the next four weeks of school. Mark your calendars I’ll be back on the 9th.

This break could have not been better planned. If I had been in Albany this weekend thins would have gone out of proportion. I never felt like I feel now, mad and yet happy. Mad for silly things which I should be able to understand but I simply will never understand. This is the equivalent to the scar Rae gave me when I went roller skating (hehe, almost a year now). It will always be there no matter how I try to ignore it. But happy for so many things. To know that I can take risks and not risk what I hold so dearly. For the first time I’m not afraid to speak my mind or to take initiative and what is best of all I don’t feel guilt nor anxiety.

This is the start of me truely enjoying life. I know my limits, and I know how much I can break them (from example). Whahaha. Can’t wait to return to the #1 Party School in the world.

The more I talk to people (except Brie who is so unreachable) the more I see how I setup myself for this. Last week was so amazing, my life seemed to be right on track till the end of time. I saw nothing in between my dreams and desires. At least now I know that this person wont run away if I ever say something which she isn’t yet ready for.

There is a gap between us, and I completely overlook it for was never on your side. Please, people should warn me to stop if I get carried away. Say something, that’s why this page has the little [comment] link.

Other than that, food has been awful for the past 2 days. I meet with Prof. Davidson to talk about my own research project. I have to shave to-morrow morning. It’s said when I only care about my appearances because of professors. This is what happens when I have no one to care about next to me. I go back to my earlier ways of living, like a cave man.

Oh, that reminds me. We took the trash out today. 6 large bags and 2 boxes stuffed with stuff. I don’t my roommates and I have ever had so much fun together. By the end of the cleanup we wanted to take other people’s trash out too, just for the enjoyment. Someone in the elevator even asked us if we were taking the entire floor’s trash down, but no, it was just the mess 6 people make in less than a week.

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