Protected: Interesting 6th

8.15.04

I must say that this is not what I had planned for our anniversary. Than again I confess that I didn’t have plans either. Well last night, yes, I went out with Hope for a Lemonade (and coffee for me) so we could talk about relationships. It was nothing too spontaneous since we had talked about it before, but it was a very quick decision of going out that late at night. And we did talk, and nothing much came of it except some very interesting insights which I’ll make sure to keep in mind. But someone with a guilty conscious thought best not to tell someone about it since there was really no point since we are just friends. I knew it was a bad idea and I had every intension off telling, but someone got to her a bit faster than I did.

What I did was wrong in many ways so I wont dwell on it. It is just interesting too see how despite my boringness and my lack of spontaneity, one still fears that I might be lost. Even after all that I have shown, done, and thought about, just to be available to this one person every possible minute that I can (since they are so scarce and rare). Its something I thought I would enjoy, for after all I have never had anyone so desperate in fear of loosing me, but I find it to be a pity. In the moments that we could be talking and enjoying each other, fears got in the way. Like todays 3 to 4 hour episode.

Maybe I’m too closed up but I do have fears too. I know who I am and I know I’m not what the ideal guys look(muscular), acts(takes initiative) or thinks about(bigger the better). I find it amazing that someone actually finds what I offer at all interesting and worth their time. Me on the other hand, I have stumbled on something which is far more than any dream, hope, or wish. I’m far from interesting and people are kind enough to tell me so and everyday I fear that this person finally noticed the facts and decided to move on. I know many things could happen that could lead me to loose this person but I rather never think about it.

On a much much brighter note, I loved our anniversary. It was much more than I had expected and I wont forget it any time soon. I don’ mean to be melodramatic but this might have just been the last best nights until god knows when.